Heroine
by Miss Hanamura
Summary: [#ProjectShadowStory] A conversation with my Shadow in Persona 4. Self-insert. — "Maybe if I save her she'll fall in love with me."
1. Hero Complex

A/N: A character study about myself. I've actually thought a lot about my Shadow self before, but seeing Urter's story made me want to put it down on paper.

Yes, I know I have other stories to update, and yes, I will get on them. It's exam week for me, so I've got some studying to do. This was just a quick piece I did in class.

And yes, this is really how I see myself.

* * *

**The Reversed Empress (III)**

**Overprotective; possessive; jealous; uncaring; unhappy; poor self-image;**

**_insecure._**

* * *

_I'd rather be called the hero._

She wears an outfit straight from a fairy tale (reality isn't enough; playing pretend is more fun)—a dark blue shirt with gold tassels, tucked into snow white pants, a sheath hanging at her side, a sliver of a blade peeks out. Untidy, brown locks frame her face (they're barely past chin-length); her eyes gleam gold, probably brilliant any other time, now faded under the dull lighting of this fallen castle. She sits alone on her throne, the prince(ss) of a faraway kingdom no one's ever heard of (or bothered to visit).

She makes a big show of getting up (because it's too much effort) when her audience barges through the double doors, a boy with silver hair leads the pack. A girl with similar features acts as a buffer, standing in between them. She's dressed down in a baggy red hoodie, and jeans (anything to smother her girlish figure), worn haphazardly over her uniform like she gave up in the middle. Confusion paints a pretty picture over her tanned face. **"Won't someone take me away from this _shithole_? No? Huh, guess I'll just have my_ friends_ entertain me... Oh, wait, _what_ friends?"**

Hoodie dares to speak, but doesn't recognize the pitch of her own voice (it's always much deeper). "Wh-Who are you...?" The question brings a scowl to the other's face.

**"I'm you, dumbass, or are you that _fucking_ dense?!"** The Shadow paces around the room, hand carefully placed on her sword.** "I was supposed to be the hero, you know, Prince Charming. Get the girl, and all that shit."**

"What...?"

**"C'mon, it's only been a year. Don't tell me you don't remember Alyssa."** She flinches at the name (she wanted to forget); beside her, a boy with orange headphones sends her a look (mixed with empathy, and illusions she can't swallow). He has no idea where she's been, but he can always guess.** _"Maybe if I save her she'll fall in love with me!_ But it didn't matter, in the end, she left you for the next _bitch_ that came along. Funny how that always happens. You're the common denominator in this. You're the thing that people _need_, but never _want_! You act so goddamn cheerful, it makes me_ sick_! Oh, I'll help, let me take care of you, anything to forget how lonely I really am. Ha, what a bunch of crap! And then you throw them away when you get bored of 'em. What afraid they'll see how much of a loser you _really_ are?"**

She was always there, sitting at the corner of everything, watching people past with smiles on their face (while she sat alone). She never had a best friend to call her own; no one to spill her feelings to.

Until Alyssa. She was the only one...

_She's no longer mine._

She swallows hard, too hard, and takes steps forward. The floor is sinking under her feet. "I... I am _not _a loser!"

The doppelganger brushes it off with a practiced sneer, **"You _surround_ yourself with people that don't even want you around! I mean, what good are you? You're just someone to vent to until they find something better, that annoying little slut in the front of the class, who gets good grades, and thinks she's soooo much_ better_ than everyone else."**

"That's not true!" She forgets herself (who she is, where she is, the students standing behind her), and her voice raises to a feminine shrill. She remembers summers spent talking about nothing to someone who knew everything about her. A tall blonde with grey eyes, and a thick accent she used to tease. Who went to an all-girl school, but swore she wasn't gay (but like a fool, she believed she could change her mind. She had to take the chance).

_She was worth it at the time._

**"Aww, what's wrong? Feeling flustered? Wanna go sit in the corner, and _cry_?_ Why doesn't anyone like me?_ Maybe if you stopped dressing like a guy, and actually gave two_ fucks_ about someone other than yourself they'd stay!"**

Tears make it hard to see (the memories that play in the back of her mind); she absently lets them fall until they drip down onto her uniform (white collared shirt, and black pants—the conventional Yasoboy's uniform). "No... S-Stop it!"

**"You don't even love yourself! How could you possibly love anyone else?! At least, that's what Aly-senpai told you, right? She told me a lot of things. Like how my gender didn't matter when she rejected me... And like the dumb little bitch I am, I believed her! We both know, if I were a boy, I would be _worthy_! People would love me! I'd never be lonely again! But as long as I'm in this skin, I'm_ nothing_."**

Girls came, and left (wanting the next best thing, next best _someone_). She had plenty of friends that were boys, but they eventually left too; they'd rather hang out with a boy that shared their interests (even if she fit too). She was a strange in-between. Changing her body at will (confusing people at school, but still, her body stays the same). Make-up, and fashion never had any appeal.

**"But don't worry, you're not completely alone. I'm here for you. After all, we're all each other have. Isn't that right,_ me_?"**

Everything she tries to hide; everything she's been running from comes flooding back. Unrequited love, and friendships lost from saying the wrong thing (being the wrong thing). Everything her Shadow said was true (but still, she tries to deny it).

"No! _Don't_ say it!" Someone with wide brown eyes, and a green track suit yells, but it's too late.

Those fated words spill from her lips.

"Y-You're not me..."

**"Yes! Hahaha, it's great! Say it again!"**

Her voice has gone higher than it's ever been, "You're not me! You're... Y-You're nothing like me!"

And then there's black. Her body feels heavy (she falls into someone's arms before hitting the sunken floor, so cold, and empty).

As the edges blur, she tells herself she won't wake up.

* * *

Alyssa was my Saki. She was the only one who saw the real me (the first one who told me I reminded her of Yosuke. Back then, I didn't see it); she was the one who made me who I am today. But then she changed, and I was left behind.

I miss our conversations.

(I don't ever regret falling in love with her.)

I told myself I'd save her, but she ended up saving me.

Some hero I turned out to be.


	2. Middle Sex

**Thanks to SuperNova23 for writing the fight scene for me.**

* * *

The Shadow howled with laughter; dark red energy swirled around it as it seemed to suck in energy from the environment. Then the vortex dissipates; a new figure stands in the place of her copy—the fake—that looks much more threatening.

One half of it was covered in shining black armor, an obsidian sword held loosely in its hand. The other half was pure white with a noticeable difference in the breastplate. It was modeled for a well-endowed woman, and instead of a full suit of armor, below the waist was a ruffled skirt and greaves covering the leg. In the white-gloved hand, it held a thin, white staff.

**"I am a Shadow, the true self... The heroes never die! Watch, I'll prove it to you!" **The Shadow cried, raising its staff, creating a powerful whirlwind that threw her back a fair distance, until she was caught by something. She looked around, and saw it was some kind of humanoid frog wearing a scarf, and holding shuriken. It set her down gently before charging forward, returning to the boy with headphones.

Three glowing cards descend to the boy with silver hair, the girl in a tracksuit, and a black-haired girl in a red cardigan. They break them, and the sound of glass shattering echoes around. A masked metal man with a large naginata came to the silver-haired boy. A woman in a yellow jumpsuit holding a double-bladed staff came to the girl in the tracksuit, and the cardigan girl recieved a pink woman with fans of cherry blossoms.

The four began to release a barrage of electricity, wind, fire, and ice. The Shadow raised her staff, blocking the attacks, a shield forming until the attacks fizzled out. The tracksuit girl ordered her creature forward, and it raced ahead, swinging its weapon, only to have it blocked by the sword. Their blades locked before the Shadow overpowered her, and threw her back to her master.

The Shadow readjusted the sword in its hand, chuckling. **"Give it up! You don't stand a chance!" **Headphones Boy pointed, and his frog-ninja began to toss shrunken at the Shadow, which were parried easily by the Shadow's sword. At the same time, the tracksuit girl ordered another charge. The Shadow raised its staff, a wall of wind halting her creature from moving forward.

The silver-haired boy looked at the cardigan girl who nodded; her pink woman sent off what looked like needles which erupted into flames as they made contact with the Shadow's skin. She smiled. "Yu-kun! Go for it!"

Silver-head (she guessed his name was Yu), smirked, pushing up his glasses. "Izanagi!" His creature flew forward, but the Shadow moved its sword to blade lock with Izanagi's naginata. The frog took the chance to fly over, and slam its fists on the Shadow's head.

**"You're hurting me!" **It cried, as it generated a giant windstorm. All four dismissed their monsters, and braced themselves against the wind. Yu was knocked down, and sent skidding across the ground, while the two girls were blown back a good distance. Headphones Boy stayed standing.

"Let's do this, Jiraiya!" He shouted, re-summoning his frog.

**"You want more? Coming right up!" **The Shadow shouted. Headphones Boy gave a cocky grin in reply.

"Dish out your worst! I'm never giving up!" He braced himself as another blast of wind came at him. Jiraiya managed to fly through the wind, and threw a hail of shuriken. The sword moved to parry them, but a lightning bolt hit the sword, and stunned the hand holding it.

That came from Yu, who was back on his feet. The shuriken hit the arm holding the staff, forcing it to drop it, and black ichor to leak from where it was wounded. **"Why... Why are you doing this...?!"** The Shadow cried out in pain as its ivory hand loosened its grip on the staff.

Tracksuit Girl and Cardigan Girl jumped on that chance, the former having her creature slice the staff into pieces which the latter set aflame. An oddly colored bear off to the side (how had she not seen it?) shouted, "It can't make its wind barrier anymore! Now's your chance to attack!"

Yu and Tracksuit Girl kept the sword hand busy. Their creatures charged forward, and forced another blade lock. When the Shadow shook one of them free, the other would engage it, keeping it from defending against the barrage of fire Cardigan Girl was dishing out. Headphones Boy was having Jiraiya launch gusts of wind forward, which fueled the fire and trapped it in a blazing inferno.

The attacks dissipated as the Shadow reverted to the form it was in before, severely exhausted, and worn down. **"You could never understand! Why am I never enough?!"**

Hoodie slowly climbed to her feet as she watched them fight. She saw how it had fought, the masculine and feminine sides working in harmony to keep the attackers at bay. Why couldn't she be more like that?

Who said she couldn't be like that?


	3. Chasing Butterflies

"That isn't..." She begins, unsure. They all turn to look at her.

"We understand," Snow melts Yu's features into a soft smile, like sunshine on a flower. It was a beautiful thing when that boy smiled. "We all had to go through this. Just remember, this is only one part of you."

"Right..." Taking a deep breath, Elisabeth steps forward, knowing already what she needs to do. She couldn't run away from this anymore, couldn't pretend she was fine. Lines she's never rehearsed spill from her lips on auto-pilot:

"What I've always wanted was to be needed—become the hero to someone, and find the princess I've been searching for. When Senpai left, I got it in my head that maybe I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve to be happy or find true love. It wasn't so much that I _wanted_ to be a boy, I just thought people would like me better that way... That _I_ would like me better that way..." She shakes her head dismissively, "But that isn't true! I was selfish... I was only thinking about myself. I acted cheerful, and pretended I didn't care, ended up pushing out the friends I had when they weren't keeping me entertained... I have to stop focusing on my wants, and my feelings, and start focusing on someone else's." She looks into the Shadow's eyes, her own sparkling with unshed tears, "You were right all along. You're me, and... I'm you."

Her Shadow smiles, pretty, and understanding. Blue light envelopes it, shapes, and distorts it, until floating in front of her is something different entirely—a woman with dark locks, and a blue dress (decorated with rows of ruffles, ribbon, and lace) skimming neatly over plated legs, skin kissed a strangely beautiful shade of grey. Iridescent butterfly wings hug her waist; golden eyes peer down at her from underneath straight bangs, more passionately than they used to.

Words echo off the castle walls; at first, she thinks someone else is there in the room, a hideous monster playing make-believe again, but she quickly realizes she's the only one who hears it.

_'I am thou. Thou art I,' _It was her own voice, but lighter, more feminine—ever soft, and gentle, like a mother soothing a child with a lullaby. One she'd never use (but maybe she'd start), because it was too embarrassing to listen to played back in her ears. But picked apart, she found it was cheerful, bright, and filled with grace. Things that people pointed out to her, but she always missed (ignored). Something she could be. _'The strength of heart required to face oneself has been made manifest... You have obtained the façade used to overcome life's hardships. I am your Persona, Kushinada.'_

Kushinada disappears, and in her place, a tarot card much like the others had floats down in her fingertips, pink, and flowery, and unlike who she was when she entered high school (clumsy, and awkward with straight lines where curves should be). It melts until it's no longer there; she can feel the blue clad woman stretch her skin, and re-work her system. They are now one, as it should, and will always be.

"Persona..." Elisabeth repeats, dazed, and confused (enlightened at the same time). The others crowd around her worriedly; she nearly forgot they were there.

And then short introductions are made; a quick re-cap of current events follows (she feels like she's known them her entire life, much longer than these fleeting seconds that pass); the red and blue bear she somehow missed before waddles over towards her. Maybe because he was the only one not straddling the frontlines.

"Ellie-chan, I almost forgot! These are for you!" With curious eyes (and just a touch of perplexion), she takes the item sitting in his outstretched hand.

"Huh? Oh... Thanks, Teddie." Upon further inspection, they seem to be a simple pair of maroon glasses (she cringes slightly at the greasy haired, pale faced girl staring back at her in the pink lenses; how long was she here for, anyway?), but when she puts them on...

Clarity.

The fog has been lifted, and butterflies fly on by.

(In many ways, she was like a butterfly. Breaking from her shell, and taking on a new life. As something neither man or woman, happy or sad. She was just going to be herself, and hope that people like her that way. Funny that her Persona took on that appearance, with flowers in her hair, and love in her heart, wide yellow eyes, and rainbow wings.)

(Wind was not destruction; he proved that when they were fighting. It may disorient things, and toss people aside, but it was wonderful too. Capable of so many good things if harnessed properly. Her element, she finds, maybe the most underrated. It cannot be broken, only get stronger as time moves, and people change, and she learns to live again.)

They don't fit—not at the slightest; they're far too big for her thin face, what she gets for skipping lunch, and reading at the library—but she figures she'll make do with them for now. She lets the rectangle shades hang dangerously on the edge of her nose before looking back at the group huddled behind her. She catches their relief, the warmth radiating off their bodies, which somehow travels to her—it starts at her toes, and before she realizes it, she's laughing like an idiot. For once, she feels at home, looking at these complete strangers dressed in uniform.

"Thank you!" She starts, afraid if she says too much (thinks too much about what just happened, where she is, and why), she'll break down right there. The one with the headphones dangling from his neck (through blurred sounds, and memories from long ago, she remembers his name is Yosuke) is about to reply, but she cuts him off. "Seriously, you guys..."

Dispensed starlight flickers in those brown eyes; it's the first time she's truly smiled in front of them, face so sad, and lovely, brimming with an unfamiliar air of confidence. "Thank you, I... I can't say it enough!" She finishes, head bowed in gratitude, cheeks dusted a light pink. She feels she knows herself a little better now, feels just a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser. She could never repay them for what they did; judging by their expressions (mirrored beautifully over each of them like a perfect puzzle), they have done this before.

Chie smiles, a wide smile that takes up almost the entirety of her baby-ish face. "Aww, don't mention it!" Elisabeth suddenly slumps forward (the smile on her face shatters), and she takes small steps forward, just in case she's about to fall; she settles back into a worried look that's become the commonplace now. "O-Oh right, you must be tired, huh? We'll take you home." She motions towards Yukiko, who takes Elisabeth's other arm as they begin their walk outside, the soft twilight, and evening air greets them with hushed whispers.

Yosuke, along with the Leader, say their farewells, and walk out after them. They take the opposite path, walking beside each other with a carefreeness she hasn't seen in awhile (the space between them is considerable, if not a little forced). She wonders, for a moment, if she'll ever find someone to be that close to (and at the same time not).

Her eyes wander far too long on Yosuke's retreating frame as the thought bubbles over the surface, and spills down the sides. Looking at him, for some reason, she felt like they were in the same place.

* * *

"It's cold," Yukiko comments simply, once they're far enough from Junes that all she can see is a hazy ink splotch painted over them, the stars desperately trying to shine through. It was usually too warm to wear her hoodie (even on Inaba's coldest days; the only reason she wore it was because it hid her figure oh so well), but she was thankful for it now. "Do you live far from here?"

Elisabeth shivers, which doesn't go unnoticed by the other two girls with her. "Not really. Maybe a few blocks." She was embarrassed to say that she didn't know her way home from this direction.

It's quiet for awhile; they reach her doorstep without so much another word shared between them, until Chie abruptly says, "Hey-um... Do you wanna hang out sometime? You know, after you're feeling better?" Her words die out at the end, hopeful, but not overly so. She softly kicks the Earth under her feet.

She's not someone she'd usually hang out with, but Elisabeth figures she can make an exception. It feels like forever since she's hung out with a girl her own age (or wanted to, at the very least).

"Yeah... I think I'd like that~"

Her recovery week goes by without a hitch.

* * *

**Not sure why I'm buddies with Chie. I don't even like her.**

**It made sense in my head...**


End file.
